Her Confessions....

Tears rolled down my eyes, not of grief but of overwhelming love I felt for her.

Though honestly she was the fifth girl I had an acquaintance with, it was after so many years that I felt the same tickling sensation of tender feelings as I did in my teens when clad in my school uniform I used to sit shyly besides my first girlfriend.  

Barring my first crush of school days I have been cold with relationships, they have been more mechanical thereafter.

And this time also it was after six months of being in a relation with her I felt the chord for her.

Emotions suppressed for years erupted like a volcano, tears rolled down my eyes.

I got attracted towards Ruchika (name changed) more because of her physical appearance as it occurred to me most of the times. Soon we were closed enough to be identified as couples. It was going on for around six months. My stock of romance was falling short, what I felt that she too was feeling the same. Though didn’t have any confrontations but were not able to enjoy our company to its fullest.

Then it happened one day she called me up.

“Yaar I want to say something to you, I have tried to say it many times but the fear that I will loose you restricted me from doing so”, she paused a bit.

Then was again,

“You know a lot about me but then also you don’t know a lot of things, I have had a lot of affairs with many guys and there was a time when I used to have boyfriends as timepass. Moreover I started off with you with the same intentions that will enjoy a bit and them dump you, honestly I even tried doing so you could see that I am trying to avoid you nowadays but I couldn’t...I couldn’t rather I have realised that you understand me, you are not like my old boyfriends, I don’t want to forget you ever, even if we don’t have any relationship, I will always remember you as a special one, who understood, cared and loved me. Now I could not speak anymore at this moment, see you”, she hung up.

I was spellbound.

Confessions have the power of winning faiths. I felt cheap of myself being so ignorant and taking her as my old girlfriends. I was down on my bed, switched on my system and went through her pictures and viewed them with a new vision. In those pictures it seemed to me that her eyes really spoke the language of love, innocence emanated from her every expression. The more I though of her the more I got engrossed in her, at last ended with tears in my eyes.

The next time we met, I felt as if we were on our first date with her. I was happy.

Simultaneously I was feeling a burden on my shoulders.

Things went well for the next couple of months. We dated made love cared for each other, but then again with the passage of time I conceived a feeling that she is trying to avoid me again.

Her apathy, coupled with my carrier related worries, buried our love.

My family had a shift to another town I too moved. But I left Kolkata with a feeling of guilt especially after her confessions, that it was me who did the wrong I couldn’t give her the love she craved for.

Life went on.

It was again after around 6 months of leaving Kolkata, I was sitting in a cyber cafe near Varanasi Cant railway station, besides hotel Gautam Grand where I was staying.

I though of checking out her email, actually during our intimate times, we shared everything even the emails and passwords.

Though before logging in I was suspicious she  must have changed the password, but it was the same.

I logged in, there were routine marketing mails. Navigating through them my curiosity landed me to check out her sent mail folder, where the third sent mail carried the subject line saying, “My Confessions”.

I clicked it open.

“Hello,

          Raunak, how are you dear, I wanted to say something to you which otherwise I wasn’t able to say. Dear we are in a relationship for around six months now and have loving memories of times spent together. Today what I will be telling you is something which I wanted to convey you for long but the fear that I might loose you restricted me from doing so..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................”

The letter echoed each and every word which once she told me over phone and I took it to be her confessions.

Can’t express what exactly I felt but was neither happy nor sad, was feeling unstable, uneasy and for once more...Tears rolled down my eyes.

Honestly can’t say what forced these tears out, whether they were of the relief from the burden of not doing justice with her emotions or it was due to the..............................

I will better ask my readers to suggest me whether I was relieved, happy or grief stricken. Please tell me...

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